Ibiki Morino Tales
by echosdusk
Summary: Quite simply, the secret life of Ibiki Morino, its quite funny
1. Chapter 1

The Ibiki Morino Tales!

One: Day in the Life!

_**Author's Note:**__ To all Naruto fans, do not be offended by anything I write in this series, its mainly just for laughter more then for actual sense. But it is about Ibiki Morino, and yes I am a FANGIRL for him, but I do not fall under the category of the kind of fan-girl that likes Gaara, Kakashi, Itachi, or so on and so forth. You can probably tell this by my writing. So please enjoy, and as a note of Disclaimer-ship, I don't own anything linked to Naruto. _

Imagine the most intimidating figure in the ANBU of Konoha, smashing his great knuckles into a pale fleshy substance with the sound of thud. Imagine Ibiki Morino's home filled with dangerous equipment and yet kept strictly clean as if it were a sin to leave a speck of dirt around. Imagine the house as being quite dark on the exterior and interior, now imagine the kind of animal that Mr Morino might have wandering around his gardens, let alone what kind of neighbours he could have.

The think again….

Ibiki was gently knuckling and kneading a fine pale dough that he had produced himself in the hopes of making a nice bread to give to his neighbours, who had invited him to their house party that evening, but that he would not be attending. Then notice the clothes he wears in his leisure as he cooks, not the heavy leather coat and the uniform, which would get covered in flour! Imagine him instead in a plain white shirt, a pair of pale slacks and wearing a white apron with no silly phrases but just simple. Then re-check his head and not the remaining black cap, covering the hair that might be within as he continued to make bread. Imagine also what his house looks like, not dark or threatening, but small, quaint, and reasonably peaceful with a gentle air about it. Imagine how pale in colour the furniture is, and yet still how clean the house remains, but the dangerous items are all securely hidden or locked in cabinets or drawers. Ibiki is sensible, and not as flashy about his job as some ninja, though his weight lifting and exercise equipment are still obviously poking from a divot in the wall from his hallway.

Ibiki stopped the kneading and gently laid the dough out on a slab and neatly cut it into three strips, and then he twirled in a tight twist around itself, making a lovely rope-like knot amongst the bread. Then he popped it gently into the oven, and cleaned up the marble counter-tops. Ibiki had a mission that evening, if only and interrogatory one, so he was unable to attend a general get together, not that his neighbours friends might appreciate the great bulky figure standing on the side lines like a patient scarred spider. But Ibiki was not above thanking them for the invitation, and they seemed to like the bread a lot. So now finished and waiting for it to bake, Ibiki took a children's storybook from his nearest bookshelf and sat down on a comfortable lounge chair, noting briefly the time on the clock. He flicked through to a story he had enjoyed often but then had never reflected on for a long, long time. He was going to have to do a special program the next evening for some young children, it involved reading them something, so Ibiki was not above making children happy, though they were often scared of him.

As he re-read it to himself, Morino's pets appeared to lavish him with attention. But unlike the ideal pet for such a threatening creature, these animals were not dogs, snakes, lizards, killer rats, or anything even remarkably similar; they were just a trio of sweet little kittens. These kittens, Ibiki had pulled from a bag that had been hanging from a tree on one of his missions. He had wondered on the mission why it had been moving, and when it had been complete he'd returned to find them completely blind and helpless, newborn, but unwanted. They were two months old now, weaned, lovely, and completely obsessed with their "daddy".

The two biggest kittens were both tabbies with splashes of white over their bodies, the eldest being a ginger coloured male, and the second his big brown tabby sister, but in truth his favourite was the runty one. This little kitten he called Mite, if only because it was black with a few white points on its body, and so tiny. The others were called Hougen and Neko. They were all scrabbling toward the chair with squeaks and mews of surprise and delight at having finished their outside adventure. Neko bounded along with Hougen right at her dark tail, and straight away both kittens raced to climb up heavy trousers to get onto Ibiki's lap, and he merely smiled at them. But little Mite waddled over a little limply, he had fallen and bashed his back leg, it was only stunned and he never complained about pain, so he waddled slowly and happily toward his daddy. But Ibiki placed the two bigger kits on his shoulders, where they hung by the claws in delight, and then he stepped to the little creature that purred like mad at his approach and then he bent and scooped the little animal up. Mite purred like a rocket engine and he rubbed around the scars on Ibiki's face. Then he checked over the leg, settled them all upon his lap, and then he began to read them the story for practice.

Shikamaru sat nervously watching his predecessor waiting for his order to arrive. He had been sitting with Ibiki for about half an hour now, and was wondering what Ibiki's "Usual" order from the coffee place would be. He could imagine the most possibly un-edible thing on earth being ordered up, or possibly a very large vat of Saki. There were so many possibilities, but Shikamaru was not one that got surprised easily. Though the small pair of items on the waitress's tray made his eyebrows knot and his face droop into a bored stare.

"Seriously, can I ask you something?" He mused; hardly taking his eyes from the cup of tea in its delicate little china shape that sat steaming in front of the Anbu's hands. The black gloves scooped it delicately and Ibiki took a sip of it. At least the fact that it was indeed boiling hot and would have scalded anyone else whose face was not made up of scar tissue, seemed a little normal.

"Proceed." Ibiki snorted gently as he placed the cup down gently and raised a small cake fork to attack his small slice of chocolate cake. Shikamaru blinked gently at him and then placed his cheek on his shoulder. He had already "bored" Ibiki with several questions about what kind of questions were suitable for the Chuunin exams. But he had already eaten and had noticed that Ibiki was trying to stall for time before he had to go on TV. Out of all the other ninjas around the Leaf Village, Shikamaru was probably the most trusted by Ibiki, apart from Anko of course.

"Well, how come you're ordering tea and cake? I would have expected you to order something like spicy foods or maybe a large amount of Saki? In all honesty, you're not the kind of person other people would see as nervous around kids, sensitive, or really into his dieting." Shikamaru murmured, after all he knew everything about Ibiki, especially the dieting that the man had been on to make sure he was in good shape for running charity races and marathons. He was a do-gooder, when he wasn't interrogating someone or running as the examiner.

"In all honestly, I do not see the point in poisoning yourself with wines and alcohols, or fatty foods that could be made of all sorts of things, even poisonous materials. I used to be into all that when I was still training, you'd never think I was once as big as your former teammate Choji, if not bigger then him. But the tea refreshes me much better then any medicine or alcohol, but the cake is cheating on my diet a bit. It's just an extra little treat." He grinned, though the scars around his mouth seemed to stretch with it so that Shikamaru winced. Though Shikamaru could have been wincing about the idea of Ibiki's head, including the black bandana-head band thing, on Choji's body!

"Right…" He muttered gently under his breath.

"Now Ibiki Morino will read 'Goldy-Ninja and the Three Rogue Ninjas' for our five-year-olds 'Story-Time' tonight." An announcer's voice echoed around a nice cosy and yet fake room within a studio somewhere on the outskirts of the Leaf Village. It was a pretty corny looking place, with brick walls and glass windows looking out into a fake snowfall and an odd burning fire that was not spitting embers at the children. Already Ibiki Morino was beginning to regret this little venture of his, wishing he could be back home with his kittens, or clothes-shopping with Anko (as that was quite a simple excursion in comparison to shoe-shopping), or maybe even interrogating some rogue ninja with the help of a locust! Anything was better then having eight random women admiring your muscles when you pick up half the set to help out or one cheek-pinching woman smothering his face with blusher!

Ibiki's eyes peered around at the children that bustled around him ignorantly. They were more interested in pulling up the carpet and poking each other in the eye. They seemed threatening to him, if only because they were still so delicate and easily made moody. He could remember his own little brother wailing at all hours of the night and especially when he had to share a bunk bed and his little brother used to wet himself at night. Ibiki still had nightmares of being suddenly flooded! But the producers and the staff had handed him the big red book and turned it to the page. The camera lights were blinking and the giant bright lights of the studio were light up, though one was vibrating quite irritably. Ibiki had no choice; he must now read to the children…

"Once upon a time, long-ago when there were fewer Ninjas around and Kohnoha was not even heard of, there lived a little girl Ninja, who had gained the rank foolishly. She had hair as gold as golden and…." It was then that he noticed something truly terrifying about the children. They had suddenly paused to look at him, and at first it seemed that they might just explode into tears, but then the evil grins, giggles, and gurgles emerged, and they began to crawl toward Ibiki. Ibiki closed the book as the children crowded toward him and he became very nervous. Especially when a child suddenly emerged at the back of the rocking chair, grasping at his ears. There was a somewhat strangled scream, and then everything for the viewers went black.

The TV signals for Kohnoha TV were cut off into blurry bits and then there came a picture of a Kunai sitting on some sparking wires near a plug. It was the general sign that there were technical difficulties, but it was very worrying. The parents and the watchers were all quite terrified that the screen would come back and show their children all tied to chairs and gagged to make sure they'd listen. Though friends of Ibiki feared that it would reveal the opposite, or him standing at the top of the chair trying to shoo the children away. Instead, it returned to show Ibiki sitting comfortably on the rocking chair with children all over his body, some clasped around his ankles and one clasped to his head. He was reading happily to them, even though one child on his shoulders was prodding his facial scars and making him wince as it tried to then gauge out one of his eyes. But Ibiki looked like he was reasonably contented.


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two: A Social Gathering/ Event 

**Author's Note: This one's written in first-tense, meaning that you are being told what happened to Shikamaru, and each time it says you it means Shikamaru. Oh and sorry it's taken so long, but I've been having exams and a lot of work recently as well as BIRTHDAYS!**

"Alright lad, now we'll stop out here one moment so I can explain what happens." Ibiki halts you just outside a very large looking pub. You exam the warm red glow within, the gentle laughter seeping through the cracks in the windows, and then you spot a shade jumping onto a table and screeching out a profanity. You did not know who this person was, but your initial idea of the pub is somewhat distorted. So your eyes flick back to Ibiki as he chuckles at you again. "The 'Fiery Coven' is a really calm place until we go in there. I warned your father about this a good while ago when he decided he and his teammates wanted to join in the action one night. Let's just say that he didn't stay for the pub quiz, or even a single drink!"

"Ok, so you guys meet up here every Thursday night, discuss events of the past week, drink heavily, and then do a pub quiz?" You look unmoved at these words; whatever had made your father flip you couldn't understand. In fact, it was hard for you to consider your father being scared by anything after the time you heard him sobbing over shaving your mother's legs, a task you never wanted to experience. But your eyes note the curious and somewhat malevolent grin on Ibiki's face. In your mind you know he's planning something, and that there is a great chance you might be emotionally scarred after this event.

"Yep, that's about it, but it's not the task at hand that will make you cringe!" Ibiki grinned cheekily at you, and you raise an eyebrow suspiciously. Your mind traces back to names of the varying proctors, ANBU, and other seats of power around Konoha, and your mind immediately darts to the name, Gemna. You blurt it out and quickly grasp your mouth, nervous of what Ibiki might say and what truths he might reveal. You had heard stories from your father and his friends about how strange that proctor was, and Ibiki's words don't make you feel any safer. "The very same, just watch out for wherever he's placing his hands, the same with Anko, oh and don't let either of those two get behind you! They both have a tendency for strange things when they get drunk!"

On your entry the bar seemed a very terrifying place to you. There were so many seedy looking members of ANBU as well as the usual bad people of Konoha that had no Ninja skills whatever. They all looked at Ibiki and cowered a little, but then they turned to look at you, and even the band stopped playing. You thought you were in for a really terrifying experience of being fought with every one of the toughest in the bar, until the four strange-looking geeks at the music stand started playing again. Their music sounded strangely familiar, almost alike to the music from the Mos Eisley Canteen in Star Wars….

"Well, well, well! Finally we've got some new blood here! Come on other Shik! Tell us what your poison is? The first round's always on us!" Anko called as she stood up from a crowd of several of the proctors and members of ANBU. They looked to you with eager eyes and smiles, and you recognised the faces. Amongst them included Asuma, Kurenai, Yugao, Yamoto, Kotetsu and Izumo (whom you've always assumed must be some kind of item). But you note that neither Iruka, Kakashi, Gai, Ebisu, nor Gemna are present, all of them people you would assume to be part of the group. Quickly you question the others before asking for a cup of Sake.

"I believe you know everyone here, Shikamaru, but you don't know our little bar backgrounds!" Ibiki chuckled gently as he ordered some Sake for the newcomer and cup of tea for himself, which mad you shudder a little. At times you wondered if the reason people were so afraid of Ibiki was simply because he had a slightly disconcerting manner. One minute he was there to terrify you and the next he was laughing sheepishly and enjoying a cookie. Thinking of cookies a great big basket of them was brought forward and Ibiki grinned as he led you to sit down between him and Anko. "I made us some cookies as I was requested. Please enjoy them."

"As to your question, Gai's too much of a square to hang around with us. Kakashi and Ebisu are at book-club meeting on Thursdays, which Iruka sometimes attends…." Kotetsu began as he lifted his hand, which was tightly holding Izumo's to reach for what looked like a glass of beer to drink. It surprised you to see either of them holding hands so publicly.

"If not old Dolphin boy's going around looking for people in need of help. Or being a weirdo down at the local park. He's got real issues with mothers; always stalking them. Oh and Gemna's just a little late from his pimping thing is all." Izumo quickly finished Kotetsu's sentence as he too tried to reach for his drink, but your original thoughts were dislodged from staring at their hand-clasping to considering Gemna. Was this what Ibiki meant by bar backgrounds?

"What? He's a Pimp?" You blurt out but a hand quickly clasps around your mouth and Kurenai makes some motions for your silence. Asuma just chuckles a little as he attempts to light a new cigarette but it is swiftly flicked out of his jaw by Kurenai. You watch the cigarette fall to the table top for a moment and stare in confusion as Yugao and Yamoto fight for it. Yamoto seems slightly pissed already but you are surprised to see Yugao here, and then she addresses you.

"Keep it down, he's late again and we don't want another incident!" She slurs as she pulls the cigarette from Yamoto and lights it. Her tone is the sloshed one of a bitter woman who's consumed too much drink. Yamoto and Asuma are staring at her cigarette in upset. Someone across the bar mentions how smoking should not be happening and then shrieks as the cigarette lands in their hair and sets it on fire. You are quite surprised by the formerly engaged member of the band. Perhaps she still was not completely over Hayate's death. But your attention is drawn to the door.

"The fun has arrived! What's Shikamaru doing here? I thought he was still only a kid or something? Need a girlfriend? I've got a really nice set of twins out for some trouble, if you know what I mean?" Gemna shrieks as he swans in with a smirk on his face and both his belt unbuckled and zipper not done up. You stare at him in surprise but are not about to mention this, especially when he's smirking.

"Thanks, but I'm involved with someone!" You quickly snapped back to reality after staring at Gemna's crutch for a few moments. He noted your eyes and winks, making a little clicking sound as he does so. You're very worried now as he slumps into a seat near Yugao and tries to fondle her breasts. But swiftly she whacked him around the head with the ash-tray and he seems to calm for a moment. "So… What do you guys talk about then?"

"Cool, time for my news now! I heard that because old Hayate was made up mainly of flu and cold virus, if you collect every strand and merge them into one, he will be reformed by them!" Gemna grinned before Yugao began to burst into tears. She leaps into Asuma's lap and Kurenai looks at your boss with an aggressive sneer. He tries to make a few excuses but Gemna has already stuck his head into some alcohol, which seems to have been supplied to him in a soup-bowl.

"So, big-bro, what's the latest information from your side of the bar?" Anko grinned as she slowly began to pat your back and grin at you. For a moment you're slightly worried and once again your ears click to her words and you quickly question it again. The others seem to be a little surprised that you haven't escaped just yet.

"Big-bro?" You question and Ibiki grins at him. But then your eyes turn to the "item" opposite you are the table. Neither of them have had a chance to have a drink just yet and so far have not been able to get their hands apart, though they are trying quite hard to do so. Yugao is now out of Asuma's lap and has grabbed Yamoto by the arm and dragged him to the karaoke machine.

"I'll explain in a minute or two. But no Anko, nothing much has happened except that for once I don't have to do any questions for the Chuunin exam because instead, I've got to torture a few people that thought no loitering signs were just jokes." Ibiki snorts. You shrink back a little as he seems to growl over the loiterers. Well, you know how Ibiki is about his laws and how not to infuriate him. But then you suddenly give out a cry of surprised as Yamoto and Yugao start singing a duet that sounds like wailing gulls. "But as to your question, Mr Nara, Anko had a lot of problems as a kid and ended up around my house so much that she was practically raised by my darling mother. We've always considered each other brother and sister and I've looked after her when she's needed it. Whether it's just some spare change or she needs to talk about a bad relationship, I'm there to keep an eye on her."

"So, you and Anko were raised together? That explains a lo… Agh! What the hell are you doing?" You shrieked as the back of your chair began to move. Every hair of yours was on end and your eyes are as wide as soup plates. The rubbing becomes harder and you're being pressed closely to the table edge. On looking back you see that Gemna is actually rubbing his body up and down the back of your chair. For this, you are quite terrified.

"OH Yeah baby!" Gemna purrs as he continues to hump the back of your chair. You attempt to get up but find his arms have clasped around your legs. You're feeling incredibly uncomfortable and start begging him to stop. Then you look to the others who are quick to encourage you against this behaviour. This of course confuses you, but you do not want to ignore the advice of your "superiors".

"Just leave him! Let him wear himself down." Izumo whispered gently as you groan and roll your eyes at their weird faces that Gemna is making. You start to wonder if that was the reason he had his pants practically unbuckled upon entering the place. Was this all just a big joke of his? Was this why his father had panicked? Was this what Ibiki had warned him about? In the background the dreaded singing continues and other drunkards have clustered around the pair to cheer at them.

"Sorry Shikamaru, he's not had it in a few days and never has it Thursdays, so we get a little used to this." Ibiki mutters gently. He smiles at you with confidence, you're doing well for your first time here. But then you notice a definite change in events as Ibiki calmly sips his tea.

"He's humping my chair!" You screech as the motions become much more violent and fast.

"Yeah, at least it's not your leg…." Anko snorted and the others began to chuckle. At this point though Asuma is trying to reassure Kurenai of his overall intentions and their tongues seem to be locked in battle. You're feeling even more disconcerted as Anko continues, and though you giggle at her words, you start to feel more worried. "The night Hayate died he'd been hanging around with us after having informed us of the date of the wedding and how much it had cost and the ponies and other fancy things he'd arranged. That and how he had been so looking forward to being married, retiring, and settling down for a family. You know the same old sentimental mush! But anyway, he got up to go to work and after just making a slightly effeminate coughing sound, Gemna was on his legs and up to mischief like a dog on a bitch in heat! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha! It was so damn funny because we all tried to scrape Gemna off him but were really badly failing and poor Hayate had to stand their with his leg being humped. Even Yugao came in and couldn't stop laughing because Gemna was even acting like a dog and whining and sticking his tongue out and everything mad like that!"

"Anko, no offence meant, but will you stop stroking my thigh!" You cringe at the sight of her hand getting too close to you. All you can think of is how much sand you would coughing up if anyone even suspected you of being in with Anko or any other woman. Today didn't seem to be your lucky day at all!

"Anyway, Anko, behave! Don't worry Shikamaru. You see, Gemna is one of those blokes that only looks really attractive when he's being really serious, and yet even after having sex with him once; the women go back after a few weeks or so. He's technically a One-Night Stand, but for every woman in Konoha and they all at least go with him twice. So therefore, he's never not having sex, and that is why he's called the Horny proctor. Anyway, you in for the pub quiz?" Ibiki explained to you as he calmly began to sip his warm tea and pushed the home-made cookies under your nose. Still you hear the sound of Gemna humping your chair, but at least the cookies had distracted Anko's hands, and now you've got your Sake.

"Ok…."

_**Next Time – Part Three: Gemna Knows Best **_

_At the next meeting the events of the week has declared to the gang that Ibiki needs a girlfriend quite desperately. So, who's got the best knowledge in such situations? Well Gemna, right? Not so, what happens when Gemna appears in a pimp outfit and ends up causing a riot as well as spreading the beans on the next lot of Chuunin exams, and a new country that's finally been accepted as an ally? _


	3. Chapter 3

Part Three: Gemna Knows Best

It was Thursday night, and they were all back at the Coven and enjoying the pub quiz. It was an odd Thursday though, as both Gemna and Ibiki were not present, but Anko was and she was laughing about everything again. She'd been with her recent boyfriend earlier in the week, and they had been getting up to mischief whilst she had been at Ibiki's house! She had been doing her usual thing of running around with her top off and jiggling with the bloke of her choice, and then Ibiki had turned up. Immediately the bloke had been pushed into a broom closet and tied and gagged so he would not make a noise. He'd also had a cork shoved up his trousers in case he farted. Anko had not needed to get changed though, Ibiki had grown up seeing her flash every group of people that had passed their house, including a group of monks who'd thrown cash at the window when she'd started dancing. So he had just assumed nothing, but been a little confused when his departure was saluted by the sound of a popping cork, which Anko had not explained.

"He's always busy with work these days! He's not even going to be doing the first part of the Chuunin exam, Shikamaru is! Yet he's preparing the documents and cleaning up the entire offices! You'd think his mother-in-law was visiting, and he doesn't even have one! Not only that but on Monday he was mopping up the blood in the interrogation rooms; whilst we were still interrogating! I mean he was wearing that pink frilly apron too! Someone needs to kick him back into his fearsome side; now most of the prisoners tend to leap away in case he tickles them with his sparkly blue feather-duster!" Yamato snorted gently as he squiggled a few random answers on the quiz sheet as Anko explained the whole situation over the voice of the question-master. He looked ill today, but that was only because he had been doing training with Naruto and ended up covered in ramen in front of a very nasty group of dogs that had just chased him till he'd run into Kakashi and left him to be licked to death.

"This just proves my point, he needs a Girl! I mean, the last time Ibiki had a girlfriend it went bad because he worked too much and she got neglected. Then the second one was one of his old ANBU friends, and she died on a mission in his arms! He wouldn't do any work for three weeks because he was grieving all the time! Then the other one was just before he had the craters added to his head and she ran away when she saw how many scars he had! Don't get me wrong, his body's pretty good looking and well cared for, but his face and head is the creepy bit!" Anko snorted in response, uncaring as to how horrible she sounded about the whole situation. She was then suddenly punching Yamato aside as she grabbed the pencil and squiggled down an answer to the next question. As she was wearing little more then a body stocking, a pair of thongs (or string, no one was sure), and a very short scrap of black leather skirt, those table groups behind her were suddenly stuck staring at her and ignoring the question.

"That's really, really MEAN Anko! I mean, sure he can get carried away in work but its not as though he hasn't tried getting a girlfriend since then, he just thinks he's too old now! I mean, we all know he's a little nervous of women because of his old head things! That and he really wants to settle down and start a family, and for some reason girls don't want to settle down with anyone in our lines of work. That, and Kotetsu, could you please get your hand out of my pocket when I'm not wearing pants underneath my trousers!" Izumo growled angrily at his constant companion as poor Kotetsu tried hard to find his keys, which he'd leant to Izumo for Izumo's lady-friend that evening! At this point Shikamaru had found himself ignoring the whole thing and staring nervously at Asuma, who was having a lot of trouble trying to light a cigarette.

"Yeah… On the subject of the pot-holes in his scalp, where the hell did he get them from again? Only I thought he said something about Blood Country? But I never paid much attention because the burn marks and everything mixed up on there sort of makes it look like a deranged kind of pottery! Only, if it is Blood Country, well didn't we just add them to our list of allies on Tuesday?" Shikamaru muttered nervously as he looked toward the older members, which now included two of the usually unmentioned members of the interrogation department that had been through the academy with the others, not to mention tonight had included Ebisu and Ino's father, Inochi.

"That's right Shika! He did get them in Blood Country…. And they have been accepted as allies now…. And it was one of their elite torturers who performed it on Ibiki too… They also have a death warrant out for him that we can't override or prevent, and that's because he escaped! Wasn't it a kind of trepanning they did to him which made the holes? Won't this mean they'll want to kill him? Isn't his old torturer one of the names on the list of 'team-leader' group things we were reading?" Yamato muttered nervously as he reached about for his two drinks. Shikamaru watched with confusion, as Yamato drank one pint of beer and then quickly scoffed a drink of some strangely bright blue liquid that smelt like sugar!

"You're just making the whole situation sound worse there, Yammy! I mean, as far as we're aware that whole incident is in the past and unlikely to be mentioned again! But did we ever tell you how he got the marks, Shika? It's a pretty funky story… and I know the answer to this one!" Anko shrieked in delight as she grabbed the pencil again and then turned around to punch Yamato a second time and then stare Shikamaru in the face. "Right, they were chasing some subjects and Rogue-nin from Water country and they moved into Lightning Country and then out onto the Burning Fields, a great big larva field that's really hard to pass if you don't know how. Well, there were three other blokes with Ibiki and they ended up getting caught by some freaky looking blood-lovers that were not nice. These guys had not seen Konaha ninja before and just decided they'd be good to interrogate. The other bloke that got out, whose now hiding in a cave in the mountains trying to attract a female tortoise with his long toe-nails, he said that it was like being probed by aliens, completely weird and they were all in strange head gear! Then the other guy died when he was going through one of the tortures, one which Ibiki and the other dude, 'Chaz' managed to survive. Then they decided Ibiki hadn't made a cry of pain, let's put him through his paces. Apparently he went through their very worst torture kinds, including the worst which was the trepanning style; they drilled marks into his skull and tried to see if they could absorb his brain juice or something weird! But one of the top people got a little worried and set the pair free. Turns out this freak was a young lady who was quite fond of Ibiki and decided she'd let him go, even though she had her ass kicked for it! They're not fond of women in Chi."

"So… If I'm hearing this right, it means that Ibiki was tortured by the best-of-the-best in Blood Country and that this person actually let Ibiki free? I'm also hearing that this person was a woman and really fancied Ibiki, hence the releasing thing, and that now she's controlling a team that will be entering the exams too…. Is it me, or do you think that Ibiki might know this and that's why he's panicking? I mean, surely he's nervous because he might see an old fancier again?" Shikamaru questioned nervously, a finger raised and making circles in the air as he tried to figure out this complex puzzle. Only whilst doing so did he notice how Anko's eyes had fixated upon it and she was following it around the room!

"I repeat; 'they're not fond of women in Chi', from what I heard she was tied up in a public square and people could beat the hell out of her or throw stuff! I doubt they'd enjoy something like that and so she probably wants revenge on Ibiki!" Anko growled with annoyance as she found herself fighting with Asuma to answer a question. The two were suddenly growling and pushing about as they leaned over the table, and everyone quickly picked up their glasses and waited for a bar fight to ensue, but luckily Asuma gave up and Anko punched him in the nuts.

"Howdy-do everybody! Who's ready for some fun? I've got my two best girls here and they're looking for some action…" Shikamaru grimaced at the elongated words swirling out of Gemna's mouth. He turned around and looked toward the door of the pub, which had suddenly shut up, and there Gemna was… Yes, the wonderfully insane 'Pimp' had appeared and he had obviously forgotten what and where he was. For Gemna had arrived in a striped blue suit, with the top jacket open to show off a fluorescent pink under-shirt. Over this he was wearing a giant white furred coat that looked like he'd skinned Akamaru, which would not have surprised his friends. Then on his head was a giant hat and loads of brightly covered and fake, feathers hanging over his face. He was wearing sunglasses, had gold teeth, half a ton of gold jewellery, and a diamond ended cane in his hands. He stood posing in the door way, and everyone looked scared.

"Oh God! What the hell are you playing out you idiot? Get those tramps out of this place and change, God damn it!" Yamato growled as he picked himself up off the floor, this time he'd been knocked out by a direct forehead hit from Anko's cleavage! He looked like he was in pain as he strained to not gawk like everyone else. Anko was jumping up and down beside Gemna and was suddenly leaping onto one of the two girls, which were both very beautiful and not wearing much that stood behind him. This girl she was suddenly comparing top sizes and shops with, whilst the other girl continued to massage the seemingly frozen Gemna's shoulders. Gemna was just ignoring Yamato, but Izumo had suddenly fainted.

"Um… Izumo, wasn't that your girlfriend you were supposed to be meeting this evening? Izu… Izumo, old buddy?" Kotetsu muttered under his breath as he looked at the girl with Anko, and then he turned. Izumo was on the floor staring up into space with a look of horror. Kotetsu was suddenly very afraid and grabbed Ebisu's cocktail and poured it into Izumo's face. This earned him a punch to the face from Ebisu and Kotetsu landed beside his friend. He turned to his friend and then muttered nervously, as everyone around him tried to get back to normal. "At least she knows about what to expect of men…"

"Hey Gemna, what you been up to lately? Listen, we've got a little request for you, and we'll be paying good money! That and it's for a very good cause and needs to be done before the Chuunin exams in two weeks!" Anko barked suddenly as she left the girl alone and shuffled alongside Gemna to his seat. Gemna looked at her with a smug expression, though it was hard to see because his sunglasses were shaded green and Anko was blind to green things, though no one knew why. Anko looked toward her friends, grinned manically and then nodded her head several times before punching Gemna's shoulder so he fell out of the chair. "We want you to get a suitable and 'nice' girlfriend for Ibiki!"

The others turned and stared at Anko in horror! What was she thinking? Even the two friends on the floor stood up with their mouths open and stared at her. Even Ebisu looked surprised, though that could have been because Gemna's two girls were suddenly making out near the entrance and most other men were looking that way. The whole pub quiz had been abandoned and even Shikamaru found himself surprised at what Anko had just asked. Why would she ask Gemna to do it? It was quite obvious that Gemna knew nothing about women… Except that he had gone through the 'meet your feminine side' courses, had majored in female biology, ran the PMS Crisis hotline for Konoha, hosted the introduction to pregnancy nights, and sorted out relationship problems for people. Apart from those things, which actually made no sense to most of the other men present, Gemna was a pimp who knew nothing about women and was considered a nymphomaniac. There was no way he could find a girl for Ibiki that would not be one of his 'bitches', and for a moment even he seemed to think that.

"Intriguing…." Gemna thought as he licked his lips and pressed a finger to his nose, tapping it in thought. Gemna lifted up one of his legs and began to stroke Inochi's face with it, making him faint from the smell, as well as the horror. Then Gemna got up and paced around his friends, looking at each one which was shocked into silence, and then he sat down again, steppling his fingers and closing his eyes… at least assumedly closing his eyes. "I must think this over…"

They stared nervously at Gemna; unsure what on earth he was planning inside his head. They watched his eyes, which flicked at every woman present, and even onto a few of the guys. They all drew away with fear, but they also looked at Anko who was now trying to grope her own boobs and had attracted Gemna's attention. Instead the horny proctor sighed as though it were such a troublesome thing to do, and he quickly groped her bosom for her, making Anko give out a funny little squeak before grinning. Then Gemna turned away, eyed his two girls up, and then looked to the ceiling as he thought it over and every girl he knew….

"I'll do it!" He suddenly stood up triumphantly upon the table top and pointed a finger out. This finger he quickly burnt on a chandelier candle and he leapt off the table squealing like a sissy girl, licking the burnt appendage. But then he stood up after jabbing it into Yamato's ear to help cool it, which made Yamato scream in horror as he experienced the 'safe' kind of wet-Willie from Gemna. Then Gemna cleared his throat, straightened up, posed seriously for a second so that all the girls in the pub swooned, and then he placed his toothpick back to its usual place in his mouth. But as he gave a glorious speech, his mind did its usual wandering and he went completely off the subject at several points and made a lot of people feel sick. "Damn straight I'll do it! Don't you fear, little lady and dudes; I'll take this mission on for free! I owe Ibiki a lot and I too have noticed his need for a good shag in a back alley, which he will enjoy just like I enjoyed one with Tsume last night! That's right, I tamed the terrifying and unsatisfied lady, and her husband too! That's right, Ibiki needs to realise he can get a women, despite the freaky ash-tray holes in his melted skull, which even I feel a little vomit-ridden when staring at! I will go out to the best nightclubs and strip clubs and hookers in Konoha and find him a girlfriend! I will do the impossible and create love for the greatest interrogator around, or my name isn't Gemna, the 'Horny Proctor Pimp of Cupid', oh yeah!"

"Hey you bastard! You're that git that shagged my wife during our divorce proceedings! I'll kill you!" A random and large man amongst the pub crowd leapt up and screamed at Gemna. Shikamaru ducked, as a very large sharp object was chucked at Gemna, but the horny proctor dodged it to and suddenly grabbed Shikamaru by the shoulders, winking at him suggestively and slipping him a card with his number. Shikamaru went as pale as a ghost and he was soon knocked out by a random boot thrown at Gemna by Izumo. Within twenty seconds of Shikamaru falling on the ground, a massive riot broke out amongst the pub. There was a lot of violence and even nudity as Anko streaked around the pub and even ran out into the street and terrified Neji as he walked past on his way to a date. As for the bar fight itself, well it resulted in everyone involved being arrested and held overnight, which made Inochi look really bad, and half the bar got burnt down….

_**Next Time – Part Four: Unlucky Balls **_

_Sorry Ibiki wasn't in this part, but we wouldn't want him to know about their plan, now would we? Plus I'm so sorry this is very late, I've been very busy with my college work. _

_It's been three days, and Gemna thinks he's found someone, but Ibiki has no idea what's going on. Instead he's been forced into a 'crystal ball' session hosted by Gai… Who forced him in? Well, Anko didn't really want to be alone and Gai can get a little too into his whole future-reading stuff, including dressing as a woman. So, what terrible things will the crystal ball reveal? Why is Shikamaru turning up to Ibiki's house with a box of baby animals? And who is the girlfriend selected by Gemna? _


End file.
